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twitter.com/officeslave6:

    2makeyewsmile:

Woman: Is there a problem, Officer? Officer: Ma’am, you were speeding. Woman: Oh, I see. Officer: Can I see your license please? Woman: I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.  Officer: Don’t have one? Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving. Officer: I see…Can I see your vehicle registration papers please. Woman: I can’t do that. Officer: Why not? Woman: I stole this car. Officer: Stole it? Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner. Officer: You what? Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see. The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun. Officer 2: Ma’am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle. Woman: Is there a problem sir? Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner. Woman: Murdered the owner? Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please. The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk. Officer 2: Is this your car, ma’am? Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The first officer is stunned. Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license. The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled. Officer 2: Thank you ma’am, one of my officers told me you didn’t have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner. Woman: Betcha the lying bastard told you I was speeding too.

    2makeyewsmile:

    Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

    Officer: Ma’am, you were speeding.

    Woman: Oh, I see.

    Officer: Can I see your license please?

    Woman: I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.

    Officer: Don’t have one?

    Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.

    Officer: I see…Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

    Woman: I can’t do that.

    Officer: Why not?

    Woman: I stole this car.

    Officer: Stole it?

    Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

    Officer: You what?

    Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

    The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

    Officer 2: Ma’am, could you step out of your vehicle
    please!

    The woman steps out of her vehicle.

    Woman: Is there a problem sir?

    Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

    Woman: Murdered the owner?

    Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

    The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

    Officer 2: Is this your car, ma’am?

    Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

    The first officer is stunned.

    Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

    The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

    Officer 2: Thank you ma’am, one of my officers told me you didn’t have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

    Woman: Betcha the lying bastard told you I was speeding too.

    — 5 hours ago with 448004 notes

    #lol 
    ashfayetheloser:


"Dancing Penises at IDICon (1980s), featuring Spock’s ‘double ridged’ penis and Kirk’s human penis."

Why was I not alive and active in the fandom at this time? WHYYYY?

    ashfayetheloser:

    "Dancing Penises at IDICon (1980s), featuring Spock’s ‘double ridged’ penis and Kirk’s human penis."

    Why was I not alive and active in the fandom at this time? WHYYYY?

    (Source: fanlore.org, via teraya-martaya)

    — 10 hours ago with 150 notes

    #lol  #kik  #spock  #penis 
    "You’re born with a ton of fucks to give, so you spend them like a kid with a credit card. You give fucks about your friends, about your grades, about your fashion sense, about strangers’ opinions. You give way too many fucks about way too many things. You have so many. Then, as you get older, you have maybe 10 fucks per month, so you learn to budget them. You allocate fucks to family and career, but there aren’t enough fucks to give to the newest fads. Oh, someone at work has something they need my help with that’s outside my job title? I’ll do my best to allocate some fucks, but this month is pretty tight. Then, as you get even older, you’re down to 1-2 fucks per month, and those fucks are pretty damn precious. You give them to your family and your hobbies and your job, and that’s kinda it. It’s not your fault – fucks expire too quickly. I would’ve liked to save my fucks from when I was younger but I can’t. Then, you hit fuck insolvency. You’re getting like 1 fuck a year, and you have to make it last. So you go without, and even previously fuck-worthy things, you just can’t give a fuck. Some people run out really quickly, Some people have a fuck trust fund that pays out a decent amount even into old age. But at some point, the fuck faucet runs completely dry and you’re out of fucks to give. It’s just basic Fuckonomics."
    Unknown English Teacher (via memewhore)

    (Source: swarthyvillain, via ohyourdoingitwrong)

    — 1 day ago with 1486 notes

    #lol  #fucks  #quote  #sounds like something Robin Williams would say 
    cindersk:

That is a pretty life-like blow-up doll!
What?Katy Perry?
Ok.
That is the most life-like Katy Perry blow-up doll I have ever seen!

    cindersk:

    That is a pretty life-like blow-up doll!

    What?
    Katy Perry?

    Ok.

    That is the most life-like Katy Perry blow-up doll I have ever seen!

    (Source: glasstablegurls)

    — 1 day ago with 436 notes

    #mmm  #lol  #katy perry  #booties  #blow up doll 
    Coincidence

    A farmer went into a local bistro and ordered a glass of champagne

    The woman sitting next to him at the bar says “How about that I have just ordered a glass off champagne too”

    What a coincidence said the farmer but “I am celebrating a special event”

    "Wow how weird is that" says the woman "I am celebrating a special event too"

    "What a coincidence!" said the farmer.

    As they clinked glasses he asked her “what are you celebrating”

    "My husband and I have been trying for a child for ages and today my Gynecologist has just told me that I am pregnant

    "What a coincidence" says the man, "I am a chicken farmer and all last year my hens were infertile but today they are all happily laying eggs again"

    "That’s great replies the woman, how did they become fertile again?"

    "I used a different cock" replied the farmer.

    The woman smiled and clinked his glass again and said “What a coincidence”

    — 1 day ago with 1 note

    #lol  #joke  #story  #fertility  #cock 
    ultrafacts:

Source If you want more facts, follow Ultrafacts

What a dork lol

    ultrafacts:

    Source If you want more facts, follow Ultrafacts

    What a dork lol

    — 2 days ago with 5329 notes

    #lol  #jim carrey  #doctor who 
    unshaped:

that-fandom-blog:

thefingerfuckingfemalefury:

thiscorpsofbrothers:

jasbeaw:

What do you mean, vet’s office? YOU SAID WE WERE GOING TO THE PHILHARMONIC!

i’ve reblogged this at least seven times and i don’t regret any of them

I WILL BE OVERDRESSED
HUMAN
YOU HAVE MADE ME MAKE A SOCIAL FAUX PAS

It’s a faux paw

did you just………..

    unshaped:

    that-fandom-blog:

    thefingerfuckingfemalefury:

    thiscorpsofbrothers:

    jasbeaw:

    What do you mean, vet’s office? YOU SAID WE WERE GOING TO THE PHILHARMONIC!

    i’ve reblogged this at least seven times and i don’t regret any of them

    I WILL BE OVERDRESSED

    HUMAN

    YOU HAVE MADE ME MAKE A SOCIAL FAUX PAS

    It’s a faux paw

    did you just………..

    (Source: bluebonne, via pinkiuspiekus)

    — 3 days ago with 575646 notes

    #lol  #cat 
    If you were a toy, what kind would you be? →

    If you were a toy, what kind would you be?

    My Result: Army Dude(74%)

    You are one of those little green guys with guns. You mean buisness. Your “person” really likes you. You are really good at pretending to get shot. Or die. But you “person” thinks you’re REALLY cool. Until… you get lost. It’s not his fault! Your just too small. Sorry ‘bout that! But your “person” is really, really sad. You were his favorite. It’s like a little girl losing her baby doll. I’m really sorry about that sad ending! I hope you liked my quiz though! Please rate and comment! =D

    Additional Results:

    Army Dude (74%)

    Baby Doll (52%)

    Transformer (28%)

    A Puzzle (20%)

    Barbie (14%)

    A Ball (0%)

    Visit: If you were a toy, what kind would you be?

    — 1 week ago

    #lol  #quiz  #toy